First of all, The Golden Gaffe Award. This is in the form of a gold-plated gag and in previous years Prince Philip has always been a front runner in this category. David Cameron and George Osborne have both strong multiple entries but the winner has to be Jeremy Clarkson for his “Shoot the striking protesters” outburst.
The Hearing Aid Award has to be a tie between David Cameron and George Osborne, again for their proud claim that “No-one could have seen the new recession coming”. They clearly need the hearing help since all the economic experts and 90% of everyone else has been telling them for the last 18 months exactly what their policies would bring.
Other awards include a special one for Services to the Anti-Depressants Industry, and this goes to the scriptwriters on “Eastenders”.
The Convenient Amnesia Award could again have gone to a politician, but Rio Ferdinand – a previous winner with the forgotten drugs test saga – wins again for this time allegedly, together with team mate Ryan Giggs, forgetting his wedding vows.
There is also a Pinnochio Award presented by Phil Thomson. Again, many of the cabinet could be considered but the winner is David Cameron for his best two entries: “I’m not going to radically alter the NHS” and “I am not going to touch the pensioners’ cold fuel allowances”.
Lesser awards include the I May Not Have the Talent, But I’m Good Looking Award with the “Hollyoaks” cast and “The Only Way Is Essex” stars top of the pile.
The I May Be Thick, But I’m On TV Award could be won by so many of the Jeremy Kyle Shows guests.
The True Size of Americans Award is a special accolade to the Jerry Springer Show for showing us the size of Americans, rather than the people who star in their films.
I would like to present the Should Be Blindfolded Award to the “X-Factor” judges, so they could judge the singers on their voice rather than how they look (or am I missing the point?)
A Monopoly Award, a gold-plated edition of the game, could be consolation for Rupert Murdoch for him to play to bring back memories of how it was (or perhaps will be again).
The Where Did All The Money Go Award is a three-way clash between the Burnley Football Club Board – for their amazing disappearing parachute money payments. Venkys at Blackburn are also in with a shout for their promises of lots of vanishing money. Britain’s bankers also have a strong case here. No-one quite makes money disappear like they do.
The Judas Award – sponsored by Burnley fans in memory of Owen Coyle – I think should be shared by all those elected Liberal MPs who promised so much but delivered so little of it.
The Hypocrite of the Year Award has to go to Cabinet Minister Francis Maude who told reporters that dinner ladies are so lucky to be given the chance to retire at 68 on £150 a week, while his pension pot runs at well over £1m.
The Award for Business Closures is an award that has not been given since Margaret Thatcher was in charge, but Cameron and Osborne once again find themselves nominated strongly for their efforts in multiple factory closures.
On the sporting front, the Arrogance Award goes to Patrice Evra and I believe others from the Manchester United, for saying they will be “embarrassed” to play in the Europa League. Their award is in the shape of a highly inflated head.
Lastly the I’m Not Very Good at Maths Award – in the form of a gold plated abacus (it might improve his grasp of figures) – goes to George Osborne, the only man in the country who thinks that you can lessen the deficit by putting half a million extra people out of work.
I could add a Removal Van Outside Number 10, but he’s had enough awards.
So, I would just like to wish all the Express readers a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to anyone who knows me, and even the lucky ones that don’t.