Jack Whitehall: 30 of his best jokes and quotes as he presents Brit Awards
The Manchester University alumnus is set to present the 40th Brit Awards.
Comedian and actor Jack Whitehall is returning to host the Brit Awards for the third year in a row.
To mark the occasion, here are 30 of his funniest jokes and one-liners, from quips making fun of his own posh background, to scathing take-downs of celebrities and reality TV.
Warning: contains adult humour
"I'm posh but I don’t take any stick for it. It's like I always say, 'sticks and stones may break my bones but f*** it, I'm with Bupa.'"
"I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."
[Responding to an "I came here for comedy" heckle at Warrington University] "No, mate, you came here because you screwed up your A-levels."
"I went and did a bit of volunteer work in a special needs school for children. Just playing games with them, football, tennis. And it does genuinely make you feel really good inside... because you always win."
"The school bully was very rough, he was called Atticus Montague-Hoi. He was properly rough — he’d only been skiing twice in his life!"
"I find adverts at the moment particularly annoying, like the banking adverts because they're trying to portray bankers as nice people... you walk up to the till, it's like 'ooh, how was your holiday?' I went camping. 'Ooh, why did you go camping?' Because you lost all of my money."
"Say what you like about The Jonas Brothers, if they've achieved one thing, it's managing to make McFly look like f***ing Nirvana."
"You know the phone I wish I still had? The Nokia 3310! Oh yeah, there was a phone! The 3310 gave a man all he needed; stopwatch, calculator and Snake. F*** everything else!"
"In life there are two types of people. Those who go to the shops in pyjama bottoms and flip flops and people who aren't tools."
[On his Royal Variety Performance] "I was, like, 'Your Royal Highness, I would like to start by complimenting you on the bravery and the courage that you showed in Afghanistan. A ginger in that heat? F*** me!' I’m glad you laughed, because on the night that one went down like a dead corgi."
"Algernon, my best friend, is a proper, like, geezer and rebel. He once drank an entire glass of red wine at dinner — with fish!"
"You know the text message that says, 'you have two new voicemails, call this number?' I replied to it saying, 'are you still up?' So drunk I tried to f*** voicemail."
"Viennetta is the best dessert because if you look at it and you were asked, 'how much does that cost?' I would say at least £30. It's only £1.50! It's ridiculous; it's so under-priced. It is a marvel of architecture."
"If I’m with someone that complains in a restaurant, I die inside. 'Don’t say anything. Don’t make a scene. Just eat the nut, all right? We have an EpiPen at home. We will deal with it later.'"
[On The Voice] "These are the people who pluck your from obscurity and catapult you into anonymity."
"I enjoy staring intensely at strangers whilst I eat bananas. Added frisson that I might get lucky...or punched."
[On technology] "I wait for my mum to buy a new bit of machinery for their house, and then I tell my 76-year-old dad that said piece of machinery is voice-activated. You have not known true joy until you have seen a 76-year-old man tell an electric blanket to go f*** itself."
"My mother giving birth to me was just like Lady Sybil giving birth, except that there wasn't such a tragic ending."
"I’ve never laughed a woman into bed, but I’ve laughed one out of bed many times."
"I do not like customer service, I think it's an ugly thing. I like going into a shop anywhere in this country and knowing exactly where I stand... knowing that I'm a piece of s***."
"I'm sure wherever my father is, he would be looking down on us. He's not dead... just very condescending."
"Supermarkets put on the product whatever labels makes it sound healthy, in order to sell the product, then make up a ludicrously unrealistic portion size so I buy it! That's like Greggs going 'this sausage roll only contains two per cent of your daily intake of calories... if you lick it."
"I took my dad to a McDonald’s the other day, for the first time ever. He asked to see a wine list."
"I can play recorder to grade level seven. Do you realize how little sexy time you get from playing Frere Jacques? Very little."
"The Apple Store is like a big white glistening cathedral of t***s. Before you even have your foot in the door, there is some w***tard in your face with a fringe. ‘Hey buddy, my name’s Drew. What brings you to the Apple Store today, hombre?’ I’m here to buy a phone, not make a friend, p*** off!"
"In my book, going out with glasses with no prescription as a fashion statement is exactly the same as going out in a wheelchair for banter. Unacceptable."
Whitehall as 2019 BRIT Awards host
“If you like Adele songs but find them too upbeat you’re in for a treat. Sam Smith will be performing.”
"Invited on the condition he didn’t perform 'Galway Girl'… it’s Ed Sheeran."
"A man who has caned it for so long even he has to watch the in memoriam package every year to check he’s not in it. It’s almost living legend Ronnie Wood."
[Mocking Olly Murs' panicked Tweets from Selfridges last year] "That was a controlled blaze by the way. Apparently Olly Murs was in the toilet tweeting about it."