25 of Spike Milligan's wittiest jokes and one liners
Legendary comedian Spike Milligan would have turned 100 today.
Starting with The Goon Show, a radical comedy radio show, Milligan revolutionised comedy imagination and wit, inspiring the likes of Monty Python and Eddie Izzard.
A century on from his birth, we recall 25 of the British-Irish comedian's finest one liners.
25 of Milligan's wittiest gags
"I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine. "
"Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. "
"I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge."
"I don't mind dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic."
"We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away."
"And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said he would have to wait until Thursday to be connected."
"Clifford had a sister, but she had departed, that is, she caught the ten-twenty from Victoria."
"Contraceptives should be used on all conceivable occasions. "
"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States. "
"Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order."
"Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy."
"Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says 'OK, now what?'"
"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."
"Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard."
"Always try to make other people happy, even if you have to leave them alone to do it."
"What would you rather have: a boring truth, or an exciting lie?"
"A neat desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer."
"All men are cremated equal."
"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't."
"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."
"Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one."
"The cliché is the handrail of the crippled mind."
"A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name."
"Apéritif: French for a set of dentures."