Moving on is the best revenge against a narcissist who has plagued your life / Rebecca Jane column

Today, there’s a different slant. It’s not about the narcissists themselves, but the aftermath of what they leave behind. The trauma and damage.

I have seen many a person attempt to recover from having a narcissist in their life, and the rebuild mission is a tough one. Once the person, or people, have left the life of those they once controlled, that human left behind is supposed to be instantly happy and continue their life as normal.

I’m afraid, It doesn’t quite work out that way.

When we talk about narcissists entering our lives and the effects they have, we aren’t just talking romantically. A narcissistic friend can be equally as damaging too.

The problem is, we don’t just mourn the loss of a relationship, platonic or otherwise… we mourn the loss of reality.

The worst pain of all is being hurt by the person you explained your pain to.

The person left behind sits back and mourns the fact that what the narcissist said simply wasn’t true, they didn’t care, they didn’t feel and they certainly didn’t love you - no matter what they said. Any normal person cannot imagine living the lie the narcissist once portrayed. The grand gestures, the seemingly heartfelt words and the false promises.

To any normal person, the web of lies that a narcissist has spun simply seems too big to even understand, let alone craft out with the sheer precision and dedication a narcissist requires to execute their master plan.

Anyone who has had their life infiltrated by a narcissist will sit back and feel awful. ‘Why did I mean nothing?, ‘Did they ever really care about me?. ‘Am I unlovable?’, ‘Is anything anyone says true or real?’.

A narcissist’s final gift to a human they penetrated is life-long doubt and damaged self-worth.

For some people, it is unbearable to say anything negative about someone they loved. The narcissist's victim often feels bad, if they recognise the truth or highlight a bad point. That’s just human nature, because no one really believes humans are capable of such calculated and manipulative patterns of behaviour. We don’t like to see the face of the devil in the people we once loved.

We hear about trauma a lot in the mental health world. It’s not all ‘car crashes’ and ‘war zones’. Narcissistic trauma is underestimated. Truth be told, we see more people who have been traumatised in relationships with a narcissist, than have ever been traumatised by a car crash.

When you’re dealing with a human that has no self-awareness, not only is it ‘difficult’, it is impossible. A true narcissist will never really see the error of their ways. They will quote pseudo nonsense, redirect pain and hurt back at their victims and play the victim card all at the same time. They baffle the public, and the victim with nonsense, until they don’t know if they’re coming or going.

You’ll get mad at the narcissist for failing to see how insensitive they are, but then they will get mad at you for getting mad at them.

All of a sudden, they make you the problem. ‘It’s the way you’ve taken what they’ve said’, ‘It’s the fact you feel hurt, when they say you’re just making yourself feel hurt…’ The only person a narcissist focuses on is themselves! They will NEVER stop and say ‘I’m sorry, I got it wrong’... and secondary, they will NEVER hear you out, because the truth will only penetrate their ego.

My advice to you today, don’t bother trying to reason with a narcissist. You are wasting your own time, energy and patience. Simply move on. Ignore them, because they will never change. They will continue to be their infuriating self, addicted to their own self importance, attempting to convince the world what a wonderful human they are.

You know they are rotten to the core, and eventually, everyone else will too. If you saw through it, don’t underestimate the ability of others to see the same.

There is hope after a narcissist has infiltrated your life though. Every single day, it’s like a small piece of poison leaves your system. Every single day there’s a small release of their toxic energy, until all the poison is gone and you can finally breathe again.

Move on. The best revenge you’ll ever have is showing that your life went on without them… because that is the one thing they despise.