Fear... and a 'need' to be heard | Rebecca Jane column

What conversation would you want to have, what misunderstanding would you want to correct and what ruptures would you want to repair? You may not have thought about it, but if you’re mentally struggling, the answers to these questions could present some clarity.

When we have regrets, or things that are left unsaid it can lead to rumination, stress, anxiety and generally being held back in life. I don’t churn out these weekly articles to spout information at people, I often dig from my heart and address what I feel or what I’m going through. My hope is that by showing my coping techniques it help others.

Rumination has been a problem I’ve had for many years. I get caught up in my mind, stressing myself senseless and thinking about what ‘I should have said’. The point is, as long as we’re here, we can always say it!

I’ve developed a few coping techniques over the years, writing helps, therapy too. When I go into a severe deficit I notice a pattern in my behaviour and I try to control more things around me. If I feel out of control, voiceless or powerless, I control my eating to a ridiculous degree, exercise excessively, work to a point of insanity or I often entirely withdraw from life too. Doing everything I can to avoid addressing the issue at play. The key to the issue, is often just communication.

Someone said to me recently, ‘I understand your need to be heard’, and I felt that.

There’s no harm in ‘needing to be heard.’ There’s a common misbelief in humans that our own feelings and thoughts don’t matter, especially if we’ve had relationships where we’ve been forced into silence, chastised for how we feel or discounted constantly.

Everyone has a right to feel, and everyone has a right to be heard. If we’re hurt, feel we have been wronged or simply struggle to cope, it’s ok to voice it. If you’ve ever been forced to question your worth, because someone doesn’t want to hear your truth. Let me tell you, you are important and so are your thoughts and feelings.

It’s not always about the bad stuff either. We often need to be heard voicing the good stuff too! It is important to tell people how much they have meant to us, how they have shaped our lives and the people we have become. It shows they we or the relationship we had with someone wasn’t completely worthless, even if it all ended in pain.

If a friendship or relationship has ended, to address and acknowledge that something we once valued with high importance has now come undone can be a painful experience. Just because someone needs to be heard, it doesn’t mean they want reconciliation. There’s a lot of contentment in finding peace with painful experiences.

A relationship may have ended for no good reason, it just phased out. Yet we often fear reaching out to the other person and telling them that friendship was valued and appreciated? We fear rejection and possibly abandonment, so we leave it where it was. Prolonging our own internal hurt. Potentially years of constant wondering.

It was in the middle of one a pretty epic meltdown when I was asked a question that changed my mindset and outlook forever more.

What was the meltdown? I don’t really remember. It was something irrational and disproportionate to the event in question.

I live with complex post traumatic stress. A condition that causes flashbacks to emotions at a time where you become triggered. That means whatever you’re melting down or feeling traumatised about is usually not the cause of the meltdown. You’re flashing back to emotions of the past. I think they call it ‘complex’ PTSD because I have it, and it’s so complex that it took me over a year to really understand it!

So, the meltdown... I was losing my mind. Caught up in my pure emotions, not seeing the wood for the trees and feeling like the world was going to end. That’s when the question came.

‘I want to know what your fear is RJ?’

The meltdown came to an abrupt halt.

‘Fear sits behind everything Rebecca. You’ve gone to such a negative place. I’m telling you that your thoughts are not true, so what is your fear underneath how you feel?’

My fear behind that meltdown was worthlessness. A fear of voicing my vulnerabilities and ultimately, my voice not being heard and my vulnerability being discarded. If my voice isn’t heard, it just tells me my opinion and emotions are worth nothing. A painful place to live.

My advice to you today? Embrace your fear. When we embrace the most difficult challenges, because that is when we grow. Ultimately finding peace.

If you’ve lost touch with someone, reach out.

If there’s things you have left to say, reach out.

If you want someone to know they have been appreciated, reach out.

You are valid, and you are important.

If you’re not reaching out, behind that choice is fear. Like my friend asked me, I ask you... what is your fear?