LETTER: Elite are going just fine with Cameron and Clegg in charge

Well, here we are on Coalition Flight 2010, having transferred from New Labour Flight 1997 after Captain Brown found he was unable to keep the plane in the air and reach the promised destination because of the antics of some naughty passengers, mainly bankers and consumers who had gorged on too much credit.

Saturday, 4th February 2012, 2:47 pm

A few passengers had suspicions Captain Brown was using the wrong map but he assured us his map was just fine; and in any case leading economists had all told him the course he’d chosen was perfect to the point of being utopian.

He’d heard their computer models told them there was no prospect of any trouble, let alone the plane crash landing, which meant he bore no responsibility for the crash.

I have to admit that when the plane hit the Tarmac we were a bit worried whether it would ever be able to get airborne again, but then along came budding Pilot Cameron who made a strong plea to be allowed to man the cock-it on his own. He admitted he’d never piloted a plane before but he’d not had any problem when pretending to fly one using the flight simulator at the Bullingdon Club.

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Many of the passengers were none too keen on this idea, at which point Co-Pilot Clegg arrived on the scene and offered to help him.

He’d never piloted a plane before either, but he’d done exceedingly well in a television debate on flying, so there was no need for anyone to worry.

Pilot Cameron said he was going to set the plane on a different course and Chief Engineer Osborne had a new plan. This involved reducing the amount of fuel in the tanks and throwing out some of the passengers who are unfit.

The next stage of the plan would require Co-Engineer King to add water to the fuel and after that we’d be able to take some new, fitter passengers on board. All of this will make the plane not only go faster, but higher.

When the plane became airborne again this new approach seemed quite promising. The pilot and co-pilot appeared to be real buddies, but now things aren’t going too well: the plane is slowing down and we’re losing height.

Meanwhile there is discord in the cabin. The bankers are continuing to party like there is no tomorrow while the consumers are no longer in a happy mood.

Captain Cameron, Co-Pilot Clegg, Chief Engineer Osborne and Co-Engineer King have appealed to the bankers to calm down and start behaving responsibly but to no avail; and in any case the bankers are renowned as a notorious gang of bullies that few dare challenge, let alone touch.

Co-Engineer King has tried to soothe troubled nerves by telling passengers there is no need for despair, and in one respect he’s right: the elite are doing just fine.


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