I had a ‘Full Monty’ medical check-up at the doctors the other day with one of the nurses. Yes, I am with a surgery where you can still see people face to face.
It was the usual stuff.. height, weight, inside leg, blood pressure, well-being, care plan and all that. She said: ‘ Have you brought your sample? ‘
"Yes, I have, in the little bottle,’ I said. I couldn’t fit it all in so the rest was at home.” She said: “ What do you do these days?” I said: “ I write football books.”
She said: “Do you have any stress or anxiety?” I said: “Yes”. She said: “Why?” I said: “They’re Burnley football books.”
She said: “ Are you active?” I blushed and then realised that she meant exercise and stuff, so I said yes, I’d just painted the decking. “Oh”, she said,” I bet it looks nice.” I said no. I’d run out of paint, opened an new tin and it was a different colour, so we now have two tone decking. She said:” And how are your bowels?” I said: “Regular as a swiss clock. Every day and one extra in a Leap Year.”
“Shall we talk about a care plan?” she said. I was a bit taken aback. I know I’m 78 but I’m not ready to go into a home just yet. “No”, she said “ Your diet and things like that. Are you eating plenty of fruit?"
" Er well, I said, I had a banana last week.”
"Shall we get weighed?” she said. I thought she meant both of us but no it was just me. This was the bit I was dreading being very fond of pies and Sunday dinners and a Full English. 90kg she said. It was 14 stones and 2lbs in proper English. I was amazed, the last time it was 14 stones and 9lbs.
“White, British?” she said. ”Yes,” I said “ And Brexit.”
It was Mrs T’s turn in the afternoon, this time down to St James Hospital in Leeds. Yes, an actual hospital visit. It was something to do with her internal bits and pieces. She was out in 20 minutes. They could have phoned me for that, she said. They must be short of customers today, I said.
No, just one of the benefits of living in a city with two of the biggest hospitals in Europe. She has Gilbert O Sullivan Syndrome, but they told her it was stable, just keep singing and stay cheerful. While she was in there, I was in the huge Costa Coffee they have. Doctors and nurses in and out looking drained and harassed.
A bonus today as well. The parking machine was out of order. Been like this for a week said the down and out sitting there with a cup collecting coins. I gave him what I would have put in the machine.
Home to open a bottle of wine. Don’t tell the nurse. I told her I didn’t drink.