What are your relationship red flags? | Rebecca Jane

My social media lit up this week. All I asked for was tell tale ‘red flags’ in relationships and the flood gates opened! People had a whole lot to say on the matter, but my research lead me to a whole other conclusion.

Wednesday, 22nd September 2021, 3:27 pm
Updated Wednesday, 22nd September 2021, 3:28 pm
Rebecca Jane

Let’s talk about the red flags. You know, the tell tale signs when you’re starting out in a relationship and red flags rear their ugly head.

The question is, what are the red flags and what do we do with them?

The following examples are my views, but heavily contributed to by the residents of Lancashire.

RED FLAGS

- When the person you’ve started dating talks about narcissists too much. A true narcissist will never see that they are one, hence when they constantly talk about other narcissistic personalities it’s often a red flag for the fact they can’t see their own behaviour. A subconscious deflection technique.

- They don’t take responsibility FOR ANYTHING. If they can’t take responsibility from the get go, chances are when they’ve done you wrong - you’ll be wasting your time, breath and life!

- When you’re chastised for how you feel. If they can’t have a civil conversation without chastising you, do you really want that for the rest of your life?

- Sounds obvious, but a husband or wife in the back ground is a pretty major red flag…

- When they don’t listen to anything you say. Anyone who truly cares about you will always care for how you feel and what you have to say. Simple.

- When they want to spend ALL their time with you. Couples with high dependency issues often never go the distance. Healthy boundaries and remembering you are an individual is a great place to be. Anyone who makes you the centre of their world is probably ready and waiting to cut you off from your support circle. Making you dependent on them, an unhealthy and unbalanced relationship.

- They constantly let you down in small ways. Generally just the start of a bigger picture…

- All their ex’s are crazy… you will one day also be ‘the crazy ex’. Don’t waste your time with a life long victim, you’re only going to end up the next player in their destructive game.

- They rush a new relationship. You know the kind… one week they’re with one person, the next they’re with another. They simply can’t be on their own,. They blaze through milestones, engagement, babies, marriages. Sometimes it works, absolutely it does… but quite often they’re running away from something, usually a bad breakup and they’re distracting away from their hurt and pain.

- When they’re obsessively worried about people controlling them. Chances are, they’re so concerned because they’re the controlling one and they don’t like their own behaviour.

- When all their past relationships have ended horrifically badly. People have life scripts, and if all their relationships have ended badly, chances are they will act out the story once again to comply with their life script. People find safety in what they know and what has repeated through their life. If a relationship looks to be ending amicably, they won’t know what to do with that. It will feel uncomfortable and unsafe, so it’s highly possible they will do whatever it takes to make sure the pattern of their life keeps repeating.

- Perfectionists. Chances are, you’ll never be perfect enough for them and they will constantly pick fault in whatever you do.

I received over 75 red flags for this article… but if there’s one thing I’ve been noticing a lot of lately - it’s the green flags!

Based on past experiences, it can be tough to trust in people. Your gut instinct may be on overdrive. Sending out the emergency signals when someone gets too close, or happiness seems too good to be true.

We look for the red flags because it’s human nature to try avoiding pain. The green flags are easy to overlook, but every so often, someone can turn up and have a whole load of green flags flying around them.

GREEN FLAGS

- When you’re able to communicate and talk problems through. True communication with a person is like gold dust! Communication makes or breaks everything in life. If you can have difficult conversations with another, talk them through, find resolutions and dont obliterate each other in the process - that’s pretty rare.

- When they ask how you feel. Too many people are wrapped up in their own worlds these days. If someone takes their time to ask about your day, want to talk about your emotions and truly listen to you. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth!

- Giving you space to understand your own feelings and not pressuring you into their way of thinking.

- When they let you express how you feel freely and you feel you can be yourself. Someone who is right for you will love you just the way you are. They won’t want to change you, they will accept the true authentic version of the human you are!

- You’re great when you’re together, but you’re also not dependent on each other. You can live independent lives, be apart from each other and the trust is implicit. That’s a special combination.

- Has long lasting relationships with friends and family. I am always super wary of people that lack friends or long standing relationships in their life.

- Admits when they’re wrong & isn’t afraid to say sorry. RARE! Having a conversation with a person, they stop and say ‘hang on, I got this wrong and I’m sorry’. That is pure respect, dignity and drops their ego state in order to appreciate what they have.

IN CONCLUSION

Everyone is too quick to play the flag game. Life isn’t black and white. There’s red flags, amber flags and green flags.

I spent 5 years on my own. I saw ALL the red flags, blimey, I even invented some flags! Over the last few months I’ve been given a crash course in being reminded how great people exist. I’ve seen so many green flags lately, it is hard to ignore any more. I saw the sea of green because I dropped my guard of fear and started to let people in again.

Good people exist, if you chose to see them.

Judge everyone on their own individual merit

Listen to your gut, but carefully listen. Don’t back out on people based on past experiences or fear of being hurt.

It may be a natural path to take, but taking a leap of faith or two is also a pretty fun ride! Protect yourself, by all means, but don’t let good things go because your gut is playing tricks on you.