The rise in male emasculation and abused men | Rebecca Jane column

Domestic abuse is still predominantly existent for women, however… today, I hand the floor to the men. No type of abuse in a relationship is EVER acceptable. Our mental health clinic has seen a rise in men that are abused, and the pattern can often begin with emasculation.

Men all around us are abused by their partners. Not only are they afraid to speak out, but they don’t speak out because they often don’t even recognise it themselves.

Let’s start by saying this, control is abuse! Partners often don’t even realise they’re doing it. Defining what a partner eats, who they speak to, only having mutual friends, restricting seeing family and friends, dictating their every move, making big life decisions without consulting them, telling them what they need and want… not listening to what they are trying to say. They are all subtle signs of controlling abuse, that eventually build up to a potentially bigger picture.

Then there comes abuse using the control of children. Telling a biological parent when they can and can’t see their child, believing that a mother’s view is more important than the father’s and ultimately praying on the vulnerability and love a father has for their child, in order to gain power and control over them.

Abusers are excellent at portraying the victim, controlling and then manipulating their victims at all costs. Men in abusive relationships are often so gaslit, they don’t even understand what is happening to them is wrong. Their sense of reality is entirely distorted, leaving them afraid and psychologically confused.

Abuse can happen slowly and very subtly. The wife taking over negotiations, the girlfriend making subtle digs about your family, your performance in bed, making fun of you, you’re forced into a position of being the ‘stay at home dad’, your choices in life are put into question, your friendship circle has become non-existent and all of a sudden, you’re living a life someone else created for you. A domineering wife can cost you far more than the life you once knew, she can cause the loss of your sanity and zest for life too.

We have a duty to speak up and help men who are being abused, just as much as women.

If you’re worried about a man in your life, have the confidence to ask ‘are you ok?’. People who are abused struggle to see what unfolds in front of them, and that means it can be a slow and hard path to walk. It can take months, years or decades for the man to see ‘I am abused’.

Ultimately all we can do is hold the true victims hand, be a support when required and help them, if help is asked for. Help build that plan with them, but don’t offer your advice. Support his decisions, but don’t make your support conditional. Express your concern, but never judge.

Above all else, if you know a man who is being domestically abused reassure him, it’s not his fault and he is not to blame. He is also, never alone.

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