The do's and don'ts of living in Italy

Sssh! I won’t tell anyone.

I think that given we’re all trying to be the best we can be possibly be at this precious time, it’s only right for you to learn all about the ‘Dos and Don’ts’ of good old Italy.

So here are my top tips for all who dare to brave the boot:

Thou will not...

1. Wear a bikini or bear your chest outside the beach in Vietri Sul Mare, on the Amalfi coast – unless you want a fine for your vanity.

2. Snog in a car in Eboli – as you’ll be banished with your boyfriend!

3. Build a sandcastle or play with your balls (racquet games dear...) at Eraclea near Venice! The spoilsport mayor won’t be pleased with you.

4. Nor, in Eraclea, will you have the audacity to collect shells or sand from the beach – or he’ll have your guts for garters!

5. Be podgy on a particular beach (the name of which eludes me) where said mayor will ban thee. Charming!

And there’s more...

6. How very dare you have a picnic on Capri’s golden sands. You’ll be out on your ear!

7. Nor should you think about wearing those noisy sandals on said island. Outrageous behaviour. You are so banned!

8. And never pop a crumb to your Venetian pigeon or cat unless you want a very expensive bill!

9. Don’t fondle the melons in that shop or they’ll whisk you away with your wallet!

10. Don’t forget to validate that train ticket or you’ll find the fare’s gone up ‘un po’’ !

Now you don’t need to get neurotic about all this.

Perhaps just choose a different holiday destination or practice before you go, on Blackpool’s Golden Mile.

Or – let’s put it another way – enjoy your time before the holiday by wearing bikinis, collecting shells and fondling your fruit.

Go on. Be a rebel !