The bitter end – uncomfortable truths in relationship failures | Rebecca Jane column

Let me quickly summarise for you. Johnny is suing Amber for $50 million, he claims, after Amber wrote an article in the Washington Post he lost the role in ‘Pirates of the Caribbean 6’. Amber said ‘I see your $50 million lawsuit, and I raise you. To $100 million’. What is Amber suing for? I can’t really tell you…

I could delve into the ins and outs of this murky trial, but quite honestly, the editors of these fabulous papers haven’t got enough hours in the day to fact check everything I say about it. Goodness knows they don’t need another lawsuit on their hands either, because clearly, Depp and Heard LOVE one of those!

What I can tell you… this trial is a mess! Dirty laundry is being aired, left, right and absolute centre. A very traumatic and toxic relationship is firmly on display, as is abuse, insecurities, violence and personality disorders. Years upon years of living in hell, hundreds of witnesses stating their opinions, harsh criticisms and judgements. Horrible!

On one hand, I get it. If Johnny has been defamed, to the point where he has suffered a loss, from false accusations, he is absolutely right to seek damages for that. Even if he hasn’t suffered loss, but Amber’s words are not true, to live with knowing such untruths exist about you, would be pure hell to live with.

Sometimes, it’s not all about financial loss, which is the main focus of a court. Loss doesn’t have to be financial. Loss can be mental too, the toll false accusations, investigations and implications on a person is not quantifiable.

External to Amber and Johnny. If you live with being called an abuser, for many years, the toll that can take is endless. How does a person recover from that? Lives and careers have been ended when people have been accused of things they did not do.

The endings of relationships, marriages and friendships can often be difficult and bitter.

It takes skill, patience, understanding and an open heart to end them right. Once upon a time, this relationship and love was everything to you. Anything that ever meant something to you is difficult to end, because roots run deep. You wouldn’t expect it to be an easy job digging up a 30 year old Oak tree, why would we expect a relationship ending to be easy?

It’s painful, hard work, you’re going to sweat, cry, and wonder why you even started - when it’s probably easier to leave the tree where it was.

Not all endings are bad though. We have to clear the dead wood for new wood to grow. If we don’t get rid of the element in our lives that is no longer serving us, that died long ago, how do we expect to ever flourish?

When dealing with the ending, someone needs to ask a painful question, but how did the tree die? Did one of us hack it down, did the other feed it poison? Do we have to take responsibility for killing the tree? To take that ownership, is an incredibly brave and admirable thing to do. Many would stand back and pretend they are innocent, all to save their own shame and embarrassment.

The only way to take responsibility is with honesty, ownership and integrity. Face up to those you hurt, not just in the immediate circle of your partner, but their family and maybe even their friends too. The end of any significant relationship does not begin and end with the two individuals' concerns, the roots run far and wide. Everyone’s hurt is important.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. The reason courts don’t look at unfaithful behaviour in a court of law and penalise the cheating party, is because it takes two for a relationship to fail.

A highly uncomfortable truth in the ending of a relationship, is the comfort zone of a victim and a purportator. One party takes all the blame and hangs their head in shame. The other party acts entirely innocent and thrives on being the victim. Seeking sympathy, support and admiration for ‘graceful’ or ‘dignified’ behaviour because everyone is too scared to look at the real picture.

In my opinion… watching the Johnny Depp and Amber Heard trial, no one is innocent. Both parties have their parts to play. Dignity, respect and integrity is firmly out of the window. At what point in this horrific display of public behaviour did they all lose the ability to sit in a room and come to a reasonable conclusion?

They did once love each other, is this bitter rivalry more important than the love they once felt? For me, it’s never too late for a conversion. Call off the dogs, give the legal money to charity, apologise where required, listen to each other's hurt and move forward with your lives. Facing the ugly truth head on.