Being alone is better than being with the wrong person | Rebecca Jane column
Amy Mantle, a lovely lady from Blackpool (we’re reaching far and wide these days kids!) has suggested a fabulous topic for my writing ramblings of the week.
‘Being alone is better than being with the wrong person’. Which is a topic I almost wrote about a month ago when the Daily Mail published some gentleman’s accounts of how bad it was for them to live with nagging women (side note: men nag too!).
All I wanted to say was ‘GET OUT, life is just too short’. So, let’s delve in…
I spent 5 years on my own, and I’m twice divorced. This is a topic I understand.
The biggest lesson I learnt in my 5 years, it was much better to be alone than with the wrong person. With both of my marriages, the day I ended them, a cloud of doom lifted from the house and life became wonderful. Challenging in lots of ways, but wonderful.
I’m pretty lucky to have had my faith restored in the last 6 months that the right people do exist, and you don’t have to be alone to be happy.
The right person is a wonderful addition to your life, the wrong person is a detrimental curse - and no one needs that in life.
In case you didn’t know, nagging your partner to death is literally now a criminal offence by definition of ‘controlling behaviour’. Sadly, something we have seen a significant rise in over the last few years.
Men and women are guilty of all kinds of terrible behaviour. Men often get tarred with the physical abuse stick, and women get tarred with nagging. It’s a common joke in today’s society, but nagging is a drain on your life and energy. One that shouldn’t be tolerated to the levels it often is.
The sad truth is that both sexes can often be controlling and coercive, but 98% of arrests made are male.
Is it the case that only 2% of women are controlling and coercive, or is it the case that men feel afraid to speak out?
Given the problems we have in getting men to access therapy and only 20% of men currently access mental health services, I am concluding this point with the latter.
British men have had it ingrained into them that women nag, it is just what we do. However, your gender does not matter. Speaking up is what counts.
I’ve lost count of the men I know who have had their souls destroyed, all the joy taken from their lives and generally lead a miserable existence because they are being nagged by controlling women. The point here is that you can be male, female, pink, blue or an alien - seek help and get out.
Being with the wrong person is a fate far worse than being alone.
I was once that person, and I have spoken to enough people in my career to know why people decide to ‘stick it out’. ‘I had to stay for the kids, I had to stay for financial reasons, I’m too afraid of being alone’.
So many people tell me ‘I don’t say anything to keep the peace, if I tell my partner how I feel, it causes problems and I don’t want to deal with that’.
That’s all very well and good in my book, you’re keeping the peace around you - but what about the peace in your soul?
Being honest when a relationship isn’t working is a difficult thing to do, but the truth will eventually set you free.
Before it sets you free though, you’re going to be shattered and put through a mill of pain. Truth is painful, it destroys the falsehoods of your relationship and life that you have become attached to and mistakenly accepted as ‘the truth’.
A painful process for anyone to go through.
Being alone is wonderful when you’ve been shackled to a controlling, abusive or nagging partner for years.
You no longer fear saying the wrong word, you can come and go as you please, you can eat what you want, you can spend what you want and you can tidy up WHEN you want!
Sometimes you have to feel the fear of a difficult decision, and do it anyway. It can be the greatest test you’ll ever face to quietly handle how someone can so boldly mishandle you, but sometimes it’s right to break the silence and stand up for yourself.
Being ‘ok’ if it all works out, and ‘ok’ if it doesn’t work out is a very powerful place to be.
Regardless of our situation, people should look at life through a true reflective lens and not one with rose tinted glasses. Address the issues at play, safe in the knowledge that you will be ok if it doesn’t work out and you have to spend a few years alone.
Anything can happen tomorrow. We all joke that we could get hit by a bus, but it is also a cold harsh reality, and life is too short to stay somewhere you aren’t happy.
Don’t cheat, don’t distract yourself with others, spending too much money or staying out of the house as long as possible.
Address the problem head on, if the life you’re leading no longer works for you. Leave.
If you’ve gone through a break up and you’re struggling… Let me tell you that closure is on the way.
It may take some time, because shattering the life you thought you knew is a painful process… but closure will come.
Maybe on a random Monday afternoon, or first thing on a Thursday morning. You’ll think about something, you’ll remember what you went through, you’ll laugh a little and you’ll carry on with your day… because ultimately, you’ll know, you’re free - and that feels amazing